I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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