Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
