Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
