and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
