Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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