My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
