Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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