I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
