There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
