I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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