I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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