If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
These tits shall not be calmed
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
