You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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