This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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