I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
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