Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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