I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
