am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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