I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
