i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
