Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
