I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
