the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
