No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
