I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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