Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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