he wants to bone in the snuggie
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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