Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
