Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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