Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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