He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
