the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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