I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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