You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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