miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
