i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
