i barfeds in our rink
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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