My room smells like vodka and shame
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
