hotel room ftw
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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