You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
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WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
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Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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