Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
