We named our party play list daddy issues
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Even my vagina gasped.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
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I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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