scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
