Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
