The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
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I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize