he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
