I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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