Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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