And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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