i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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