it hurts more in the daytime
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
