He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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