there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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