My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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