Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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