i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
