you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't trust your balls anymore.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
