when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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