Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
