Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wish you could order shots online.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
