a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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